How to help my child cope with my divorce?

I am a 38 year old woman and I want to seek separation from my husband. Problem is how to explain this to my children and make them ready for the unavoidable, divorce. I have two sons - 5 year old and a 12 year old. I don't want to give a bad picture about their father as they really respect and love them at the same time. I don't want that they should feel bitter about me too. Please advice how to counsel my children about this.

This indeed is a situation which would be pressing for you at both ends. However, no situation is a difficult situation until and unless we term it to be so. I am sure you have your own genuine reasons for separation and you have already weighed your pros and cons. But please realise that nothing in the world comes as an absolute, there is price for everything, they will all have their share of easiness and challenges. So staying in the relationship has its own comforts and challenges and so has separation.

There are two aspects to your problem. One is with respect to you and the other is regarding your children.

Let's look at the first aspect. Are you ready for the challenges? Or, are you waiting a hunky dory situation, a smooth ride for separation. Well, this does not happen in reality. Every action has a consequences and one needs to consider it. Ask this question to yourself and prepare yourself. If you are nurturing guilt, then you already on the wrong track. Recognize that staying in an unwanted relationship is not a healthy environment for the kids. At the same time there is no need to give a bad picture about the father to the kids, it must not be done, because it is their relationship and we do not wish to destroy the beauty of relationship in the minds of kids. Check what support system you have at place. How are your parents taking it. Can they be around for kids? Take help.

Now the second aspect - your relationship with your children. 12 is not a very small age, he can understand you a little, yes, 5 year old is too small to understand. Hence, you will surely have to take this with a pinch of salt. However, please trust that they will be able to understand your position with time, if you have come in terms with it. They might have some resentment with you on your decision as it impacts them too. But, learn to accept it and give them their space. It is highly advisable that you be mentally ready and prepared, and do not cultivate guilt regarding kids. No guilt trip, blame game and justification drama. Your sons would not need counselling really, but a friend who is ready to accept them with their feelings and not trying to change it. Talk to them about them, their feelings, their likes and dislikes, etc. and not about you. Bring it to their awareness that everything one wants does not happen.

We need to learn to align with life and embrace its ways. You would need also to be more patient, expect all kinds of questions from kids which you must answer with love, ease and sincerity, in a manner that they can understand. Please do not consider kids as victim, nor as too small. Such situations can make them stronger too. It's important that you get some more clarity about concepts of life so that you can handle kids questions. Your quality time with them is going to matter a lot. It's a thin line balance between being friend and parent. It is important that you be conscious that kids, if not handled appropriately, can turn emotionally numb or stern as they grow up and can acquire victim's mentality or can become quite aggressive. Remember, your personality would reflect in them as they grow up.

Let me reemphasize that your readiness and strength is going to be crucial. You would need to be more emotionally intelligent and let life take its course. The keywords are trust, acceptance, openness and patience.

Wish you all the best to cope up with the situation with grace and acceptance.

In case you wish to take one-on-one coaching and mentoring, you can reach Richa at richasahay12@gmail.com